Delayed Reflection

 It's been nearly a year since my situation shattered.

I was in a terrible place mentally and emotionally, as were all the members of the house, but trying to tough it out.

Truth of it is that Leira and I were done for a while but were too stubborn to follow through with ending things.

The eldest certainly didn't help by way of inserting herself into all of our arguments, or starting them outright.

In fairness the result was inevitable and had been written on the wall for years.

I still love her, but I know we are not good for each other any more.

When I try to piece together the negatives, I literally struggle to recall them. I remember almost exclusively the good in detail, even if I have a faint image of unpleasantry that winds through it.

I still miss her, but I know it was for the best for both of us.

I've said it many times-I do not regret the result, only how it was handled.

I miss my Cats. I lost one and couldn't say goodbye. She died at home, under a bed, with her adopted sisters. Belloq will forever frolic in my heart.

I miss the stability of having a significant other. I miss the feeling of safety that tenuously hung around well past its welcome.

I miss having a companion.

I hate feeling discarded.

I hate feeling unimportant and worthless and used up and vilified.

I hate that I let it get to the point where my being in a car crash was met with exactly no sympathy, only anger and blame. 

I hate that our relations soured so quickly and so absolutely once we moved in together and that I did not do more then to resolve and repair those issues instead of pushing past them and letting them fester into a new normal.

I hate feeling like a lesson learned.

I hate not knowing what to do. I hate being aimless. I hate the internal struggle to change in the face of blatant need.

I want to say I hate myself, but I know that is at best half-true. I hate my circumstances and history therein, not myself.

I want to get better. I want to grow and be free of this whole time. I want to stop dissosciating for days at a time as I simply exist.

I want to feel whole again. I want to move on.

I want to cry, but the tears do not come.

Not even when I ask nicely.